Book Review: Tuesdays with Morrie

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom came to me as a strong recommendation long time back. I am super proud of myself for having it read before 2018 ends, that too in just few hours. The book instantly became one of my favorites with really 5/5 stars.

As the Cover of the book says, "'An old man, a young man, and life's greatest lesson", the book begins when an old professor Morrie Schwartz is diagnosed with fatal disease ALS. After seeing his professor first time on TV after 16 years Mitch reminisces the memories he had with his teacher, he after a lot of thought decided to meet him and their meetings were then being held on Tuesdays. Both the teacher (Morrie) and student (Mitch) discussed different aspects of life in fact in the words of book: subject was meaning of life and was taught from experience and the last class of  old professor had only student and that was Mitch.

However, while reading this particular book review you might think of DOZENSSS of self-help book you came across, THOUSANDSSS of self-help quotes you get to see everyday and SO MANY other venues where life's various aspects are being discussed, you might then think of this book as ONE OF THEM. While writing this book review, this is where i want to make it clear how this book came different and in this particular genre this is definitely recommended.

Morrie has discussed various aspects of life like Death, Family, Emotions, Fear of Aging, Money, Love, Marriage, Culture and Forgiveness with such optimistic reality that too as a dying man. He confessed whatever he has done, suffered, enjoyed in the life he had and how every moment had given him a different perspective even at the time he knows he''ll be a prisoner in his own body (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) causes the death of neurons controlling voluntary muscles.)

The book is a short read, no hardcore philosophies written with the simplest of language that you will feel either two people are talking or probably there's teacher talking to you. The teacher in the book also focused on how materialistic culture has made us self-centered, weakening the human connection and how strong bonds with love and affection can help us cope up hardest of life's battles. (also as a psychologist i felt i am reading Carl Rogers or Erich Fromm in simple language :p)

here comes one of my favourite quote mentioned in the book. 

my most favorite quote of the book was "In business people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want, may be you're used to that. Love is different, Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own".The book on many occasion reminded me  of my mother and then the reminder "death ends a life, not a relationship" took me to such depths of inspiration and how much i need to work up on myself. However, this particular book excerpt caught me, the point where i took half hour break from the book :P (See the image below)

With this book, i have successfully read 9 books in  2018.  ((Happy dancing!!))

if  you want a review for any other book, mention it in a comment box below.

One last thing add me on Goodreads, you readers https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/18030438-awaisha-inayat

Book Review: Sapiens-A Brief History of Humankind

Sapiens- A Brief History of Humankind by Dr Yuval Noah Harari

If I am to ask how was the history of humankind written in this book, i'll conclude in words of Charles Dickens "It was the best of times, It was the worst of times; It was the age of wisdom, It was the age of foolishness"

One of the last few chapters of the book states "....Humans cut down forests, drained swamps, dammed rivers, flooded plains, laid down tens of thousands of kilometres of railroad tracks and built skyscraping metropolises. As the world was moulded to fit the needs of Homo Sapiens, habitats were destroyed and species were extinct. Our once green and blue planet is becoming a concrete and plastic shopping centre" Where as the book begins with the Cognitive Revolution of Humankind:

The screenshot was sent by a beloved friend Capt. Tahir Khattak. We both started reading together and all along the way i had to send a pirated print image of a page to get to see the beautiful color e-copy he was reading from, and of course persuasion all along to shift from hardcopy (NEVER HAPPENING).

I am an amateur reader of this genre, however, this book came as a surprise observation that it was picked by even those who generally don't even have time to read. It's too soon for me to say this book is one of the masterpiece of anthropology. It talks about humankind (home sapiens) revolution in the context of Cognitions, Agriculture, Science with in the framework of Genes, geography, psychology, religion, ideas, philosophy, economics, culture, community, conflicts and on and on. 

The book on many incidences challenges our thinking, provokes a new train of thought where as at some pages i felt that the argument being done is totally futile. (I believe, that's the case with every book-you don't agree 100%, do you?) But the book comes under the category of must-read, without a doubt. 

Personally, i absolutely loved Harari's intake on our ability to communicate (part of cognitive revolution) and capitalism. We learn better through gossips and spin fictions along the way (concept of shared myths) precisely on money, religion and power: forces which unites and divides the humankind. His explanations of the shared favors, barter failure and economies are a wonderful read. Empires which started off as communities were fruitful for sapiens lodging but turns out to be horrific in their existence, making earth's habitat a living hell. He also brilliantly defines how politics and economics are simply two sides of a same coin, and how world in it's macro view affects EVERY individual's survival and wellbeing in large.

There's also a chapter of happiness. In this chapter, just like many, Harari gave no conclusion but posed such powerful questions that you stare and ponder. Questions like why are we here? what does our happiness mean? As a reader, considering which event in history had a significant impact on mankind: war, famine, conquests, advent of religion and ideologies, industrialization, communication revolution, technology, science..? As soon as you end the book you might not come with the answer but you will realise from where we started to where we are heading towards.

My most favorite parts of the book were Part 3 (The Unification of Mankind) and Part 4 (The scientific revolution), then came Part 1 (the cognitive Revolution). I honestly found The agricultural revolution a drag. You may disagree (because you have a right to do so). Since i promised, there will be no spoilers, there aren't because while reading you'll realize you know everything what's being written here YET YOU DON'T KNOW. 

My rating: 4/5. Next to-read: Home Deus-A brief history of tomorrow.

Mere Lahore Par Bhi Ik Nazar Kar

Mere Lahore Par Bhi Ik Nazar Kar.

(Have a glance On My Lahore also)

I have always loved traveling but past month Lahore came as a surprise. I received a whatsapp message on 2nd of June about a conference on Psychology being held in Lahore in collaboration with Punjab University, Riphah University (Lahore campus) and Bahria University (Karachi Campus). Considering it one of those random notifiers, i informed all the people whom i thought would likely attend, uploaded on WhatAapp status and slept. Waking up on 3rd June, i was being asked by my supervisor for not considering this opportunity for myself. With no excuses being accepted by supervisor, on 4th June i found myself struggling with my research paper with the abstract submission deadline literally around the corner. I with all the confirmation of my paper being rejected, submitted the abstract 2 minutes before the deadline (Considering it was Ramadan, i had work and bla).

Theme of The Conference was "Impact of Global Challenges of Mental Wellbeing" happened on 6th and 7th July

All the habits of under-estimating myself  were down the drain when i was notified that my abstract has been accepted (as it is-without single error. Sometimes conference demands to make likely changes depending on your content, clarity etc of your research topic) and my nervousness of packing and asking for leave from workplace (i was on probation period at new workplace) started. Then before leaving i had to check Truck load of assignments and Researches of students as well as make papers for semester's final in July. I wasn't afraid of traveling or accommodation at Lahore. PIA's service for traveling and PU executive hostel was booked for 4 nights. 5th July was for pre-conference workshop (CBT, NLP and Play Therapy were the topics)
Funfact: entire attraction for attending conference was Dr Zainab Zadeh from Bahria-Karachi and Dr Salma from NUST-Islamabad.

WITH HUGE ENCOURAGEMENT, SUPPORT AND MOTIVATION FROM MY SUPERVISOR DR. SAIMA, I was ready to fly on 4th July. It rained cats and dogs and apparently Niagara Fall was discovered day before i was due traveling in Lahore. However Rutaba's and Abeer's constant support from Lahore came about with an assure-ty that i'll reach my hostel even if it kept on raining. 4th came and of course Airport's entire attraction was Coffee Planet.

Never understood the fact that Coffee Planet is on Karachi Airport but not otherwise in entire city. 

Without a difficulty I reached Lahore and hostel with literally no hours of waiting. It's worth mentioning the fact that Punjab University's new campus was  just not big enough but well-facilitated and well-managed. Being a Karachite the huge attraction  was greenry in entire campus (entire city as well). However, with just being 10 minutes in the hostel room i realized my accommodation is not liveable. My room had swimming pool nearby, all kinds of sport and good eating facilities, conference venue on walking distance, entire New Lahore was just out the campus gate, Abeer nearby, Rutaba being in PU, my room had TV, AC, Fridge bla bla and still it wasn't liveable. I have Lizards Phobia and entire campus was full of Lizards with the ENOURMOUS GREEN COLOR SIZE i have never seen about in my life. Inside the Room lizards wandering about a speed of Cheetah. I almost had a panic attack, with screams so loud that accommodation manager came about to see the matter himself. He came with a good news that since it has just rained in entire city, campus being green isn't just full of lizards but also with Chameleons.  He encouraged me to be brave, and be like other conference members who somehow found the place liveable. However considering my physical condition of intense sweating, paleness on face and anger, he assured me to have a solution out.

Almost after 10 minutes i found myself leaving for a hotel nearby hostel. Being out of the room till sitting in car i was given a farewell by two chameleons, one of them crossed by, one on the tree and two lizards over the speed of cheetah went over my feet. I have no pictures of campus whatsoever even during conference because i had no courage to leave the auditorium except to dine in areas for lunch/tea. From Hostel, Hotel was a savior and perfect accommodation till the moment i left for Karachi.

Anyways, The first night in Lahore was a perfect drizzling-rainy night to roam about, and it took me long enough to be in senses. Went to Gloria Jeans nearby, and coffee helped.

5th June, i still had no courage to went back to campus and attend the workshops. Also it's important to see the workshop agenda closely, i am in field for past 2.5 years and the workshop being held were simply introductory/time-money waste for person like me but fruitful for students otherwise. Hence i with friend decided to roam about a city. We Started the day too soon with Capri famous Nashta. It was the Capri which gave me instant reminder about Lahore's crowd. They'll stare you to bones inside and would make you so uncomfortable with no sense of personal distance whatsoever. Initially, you'll find it pretty awkward but slowly you'll be immune to it (not about the physical distance though). I had a plan to go to Old Lahore this day however considering how the locals will treat us with that stare, most we could touch was Lahore museum in the Old City. While Traveling all the way from Mall Road, i was awe-struck over the fact that despite crazy rains day-two ago, Lahore was clean, clear, running and happening, where as Karachi in similar circumstances is mostly shut down for 24-48 hours.

Lahore Museum is worth to visit. However, over there on a weekday, early in the morning i felt i am in China. There were no local visitors at that time except Chinese who took our pictures and were roaming about comfortably. Lahore museum has a century old history, founded in 1865 during British Colonial Period and we were told that it is the largest Museum of Pakistan (Must-Visit if you are into hertitage/vintage stuff). The collections in the Museum dates back from the Indo-Greek, Buddha, Mughals and Hindu Shahi Period. From the Akbarnama to the original scripts of Persian Quran to coins, pottery, weaponry, fine arts, ethnology the place was worth a visit. The museum was also under construction/renovation for the periods of pre-independence and post independence era.

Picture Credits, Yours Truly. Phone wasn't allowed inside hence the scenes were huge miss to snap

The old age colonial buildings are a sight to die for. 

From there on, we decided to move to  Bahria Town. There's huge distance from Old city to Bahria town, but when you're in the city, there's absolute pleasure in sight-seeing with people carrying about lives and you observing them from a distance. Often we had a discussion with drivers on upcoming election and i could sense tabdeeli coming. I love to roam about on foot. Weather was cloudy enough to be on foot however Lahore's crowd couldn't convince them to be on foot. However we were on foot in Bahria from Eiffel Tower to Grand Jamia Masjid to nearby Cafes but let me tell you it was the most boring place to be on foot.

Went till top, weather was cloudy and apparently lift guys forgot to bring us down. Until of course they saw us on top. Also, you'll get a student discount to go on top. 

Grand Jamia Masjid. It was interesting to see a throwball court inside the mosque. Probably the idea of Holistic Education being Promoted In Madarsah?

The Bahria Town also had a sight of Egypt's Cleopatra. I have a habit of forgetting to snap when i am enjoying a little too much. Cafes inside were almost the same we have in Karachi with same burger pizza stakes serving. Hence we decided to go all the way to some local underrated place for tasty ribs and upon reaching we found out it was closed for renovation. We  then decided to stick with local lobia chawal with loads of salad and dahi for lunch at mall road. Followed by Tawa Tikka and other tasty BBQ from other local food ventures in Dinner. The best part are the naans. Karachi can't serve the type of kulchay and naans are in Lahore. However, i craved for good dhaba chai in Lahore and failed, alas.

The day of Conference Came. I was surprised to find out the potential of local researches in scientific sessions. There's a wave of developing and validating Pakistan-based tools for Psychological assessment, screening or research in Islamabad especially and Lahore. Academicians from entire Pakistan came, psychologists and intellectuals under one roof for two days was a sip of relief for the thirsty soul. The address from the speakers were thought provoking especially from Dr Anis Ahmed who's concentration was Deviance among masses from following majority-authority philosophy. In his own ways he focused on "Jaam khali nahee rehte kabhee soqraton (Socrates) k" to provoke us to think and work in ways beyond.  My contribution was on the second day of conference at Riphah International University.

Again the credit and immense support came from Dr Saima and my entire department.

Many  people asked me about my outfit. Hence courtesy: Limelight and Sulafah

The Old city roaming was a hit mainly to badshahi masjid and Heera Mandi foodstreet. From Colonial buildings to colored old age buildings to butt ki karahi, haveli and ribs, it was worth everything.  Found  Emporium mall a lot better in other malls, Packages mall was uselessly huge and boring to walk-a corridor walk honestly. Another Unfortunates for the rest of the two days were Cuckoo's Den being occupied for some model shoot *Cried a river*

 


Finally we decided to also give a try to local cafes and Arcadian Cafe came on top. From Ambiance to Quantity, Quality and Budgeting, it was 10/10. for beef lovers their drunken noodles are on top most, taste you could crave for and a must try menu. I had coffee planet almost everyday i was out. Had no shopping except a book from Liberty because coffee planet and liberty were always together (Also, Lahore has more book places and shops accompanied by SO many coffee places-rightly to conclude Lahore being the heart of Pakistan). O City of Lahore, May your Liveliness perpetuate forever.

I have had several meetups planned and i couldn't do anyone of them due to shortage of time. However, the break wasn't just traveling but a plus point for my MPhil in progress. I'd love to encourage academicians to interact with their community nationwide. The exposure of a city to its people and profession that too alone with friends you made and met there isn't just the break but an experience which never comes about in books. No one to accompany you in friends from your city, not a problem.. set your foot, leave and seek out more people in the same boat.

Read, Study, Participate and Travel are my advice for you all this Independence Day.

Normality isn't Problem-Free: Normal Problem Behavior from Infancy to Adolescence.

Children across the world seem to pass through the same sequences of development within the same broad developmental schedule. Although the pattern is generally the same for all children, it is important to remember that each child is different. Different areas of development are interrelated. The ideas, the language, the communication, feelings, relationships, and other cultural aspects among which each child is brought up influence his or her development profoundly.

Children with special needs or suffering from some kind of psychological pathology often seems to dance the developmental ladder as they move through developmental stages in unusual ways. For instance, they might learn to sit and walk on right time but not talk at the usual required age.

However, the question arises whether certain kind of portrayed behavior comes under normal development or is it a pathology?

Psychologists when consulted help out parents in ruling out the normal from the deviant development. Normal development also has some problem behaviors since normality never means problem-free. Many parents or teachers find normal behavior as abnormal or pathological and seems very concerned.

In my professional experience, the following normal problem behaviors were referred to me as pathological by either teachers or parents. The idea for this write up was also conceived through frequently referred cases as abnormal or deviant for which all of us need to know that problem behaviors are inherited in normal development.

In a series of studies conducted by Campbell (2002, 2000), it was found out that half the children in kindergarten through grade two were described as "restless" while another study found out that a similar percentage of 6 to 12 years old were described as "overactive"

Whereas both of these behaviors are part of the syndrome of hyperactivity, it would be incorrect to assume the half of the children were hyperactive since they neither have the clustering nor the intensity and chronicity of problems that would interfere with adaptive functioning. On the other hand, it would be equally foolish to deny that restlessness and over-activity constitute a problem both at home and in school.

Campbell (2002, 1986), over a series of studies classified the following typical normal developmental problems during the infancy, preschool period:

1. The "Difficult" Infant: Some infants are difficult to care. They tend to be irritable, slow to adapt to change in routine, intense and negative in their reactions and irregular in their biological functioning. If cared for sensitively, infants can outgrow this difficult phase, however, if care-takers are impatient and intolerant, or change routines abruptly then chances of behavior problem in later life are increased.

2. The Defiant Toddler: Disciplinary problems and uncertainty about when and how to set limits are the major concerns of parents of such toddlers. In most cases, problems are stage-specific, leaving no residue. However, parental mismanagement, for instance, in the form of over-control may increase the likelihood that problems will develop and persist

3. The aggressive or withdrawn preschooler: Aggressive behavior towards peer is a common complaint of parents and teachers of such preschoolers, with boys being more aggressive than girls. However, as with other behavior problems, there is no need to read warning signs into such aggressiveness unless its coupled with mismanagement by parents or conflicting family situation. Social withdrawal, unlike aggression is relatively rare. There is tentative evidence that the shy, quiet child is less at risk for developing behavior problems than the disruptive one.

The following are the normal problem behavior in adolescents:

4. The Oppositional Adolescent: Adolescents often practice their new higher reasoning skills by engaging adults in debates, arguing persistently and taking an oppositional side over matters that may seems trivial to their parents. Similarly, they are often highly critical of adults (teachers in many case) around them, seeming to intentionally search for differences, contradiction or exceptions to what adults say. Parents or teachers who take personally this excessive fault-finding might experience raising an adolescent as a highly frustrating experience. However, the teenager's argumentativeness is best viewed as a form of cognitive exercise that helps adolescents to develop their critical thinking skills.

5. The Overly Dramatic/Impulsive Youth: The teenage years are a time of heightened emotionally and sometimes, impulsive thinking. Adolescents may appear to jump to conclusions, stating extreme opinions that startle and concern the adults around them. Similarly, adolescents may have a tendency toward over-exaggeration and dramatic because they are experiencing their world in a particularly intense way. While adults may complain that everything seems to be a big deal to teens, to the youths themselves, what is happening in the moment indeed appears dire.

6. The Egocentric Teenager: As adolescents focus inward in order to explore such stage-salient issues as identity, and gender role, they may appear to adults to be excessively "me-centered-person". With time, they can be expected to develop a more reciprocal orientation. Where perspective-talking abilities do not develop naturally, these skills can be taught intelligently by parents as well as teachers.

There are numerous other normal problem behaviors which are present in every culture. A behavior cannot be considered abnormal or pathological until it creates distress for the child or individual (for example a painful symptom) or disability (for example impairment in one or more areas of adaptive functioning). Adaptive functioning can be considered as age-specific routine task in school or at home.

Psychologists can be consulted for both normal problem behavior and pathological behavior. In normal problem behavior, teachers and parents are counselled in managing a child to resolve this issue as well as including child in the process. Whereas for pathological behavior, proper protocol is followed in order to treat or manage the deviant issue. However, it's very important to know the normal problematic behavior which should not be labelled as abnormal or deviant since it can turn out to be dangerous to child's personality and future life.

References:
Campbell, S, B. (2002). Behavior Problems in Preschool Children: Clinical and Developmental Issues. Advances in Clinical Child Psychology, 9, 1-26.
Campbell, S. B., Shaw, D.S., & Gilliom, M. (2000). Early Externalizing Behavior Problems: Toddlers and Preschoolers at risk for later maladjustment. Development and Psychopathology, 12, 467-488

The article was originally published in The Proseed Educational Magazine: https://proseedmag.com/normality-isnt-problem-free-normal-problem-behavior-infancy-adolescence/

The Case of Daydreaming or a Falling Sickness?

In 2.5 years of my practice as an educational psychologist, majority of the referrals i received had only concern: "Child's weak in academics" or "Child takes no interest in academics" or if the matter has worsen: "Child has failed in previous Grades". Sometimes these complaints are accompanied by behavioral issues- which are bound to happen because if child is not comprehending anything in the classroom, he has to do something to "spend" his time in class/school. As a psychologist to figure out the cause and then to help a child, takes some time and a lot of effort. 

Recently, i received a referral about a child who needs counseling with his academics as well as his punctuality. His academics were weak in the grade he was, and got worse when due to irregularity and (Ofcourse) weak academics he was detained in the same grade. He was absent in most of the days entire year. However, his parents came to request on his behalf for his promotion. His parents who hardly came entire year despite several calls of teachers, seems very concerned as soon as child was detained (Natural, right?)

According to parents, child had an epileptic seizure almost 6 years ago, he had his treatment followed by termination stage. According to them it's time that he's fully recovered; However, the news of detention might pull his seizures back and they were afraid he might relapse. (Parents reassured several times that child has completely out grown his seizures and has been stable since a very long time). Provided that, there was no record of any medical application, test reports or any written/verbal form of communication with any teachers/headmistress (even of previous grades) where his medical issue/history was conveyed. Listening to parents' concern it was mutually decided that next class' burden might stress him even more, so I as a psychologist will help him understand his current situation and take a decision himself.

I had a meeting with his teachers who reported that his irregularity and being lost suddenly in class is a major concern. Irregularity wasn't even answered even when parents came, except a vague answer: "Flu, fever, seasonal stuff etc". His sudden loss in class during lecture, or suddenly losing track while doing written work was questionable. His past record showed a gradual decline, probably an aftermath of what happened 6 years ago? Could it be due to the medication he was on? If yes, He's not on medication any more, is it the side effects? Is it the relapse God forbid? If yes, What kind?

Caesar's seizure referred as falling sickness (Shakespear's character) is not a sign but a moment that collect the multiple meanings we may take of a disability. 

After probing into further details, and going in details myself i found that the child was suffering from what we call "Absence Seizures" also known as petit mal seizures. They are a type of generalized onset seizures (begins in both sides of the brain simultaneously). These type of seizures lasts from 1-30 seconds, beginning and ending abruptly. Their occurrence is so brief that they might be mistaken for daydreaming and goes undetected for a really long time. In a day, a child might have 10, 20, 50 or even 100 absence seizures. They're most common in children from age 4 to 14, they outgrow by the age of 18 and do not need medication as an adult. However if the onset is 10 or above 10 years of age, then even as an adult medications are recommended

Absence seizures are characterised by sudden, brief loss and returning to consciousness right away. A child may look like staring blankly into space for few seconds, causing lapses in awareness. No first aid is needed for absence seizures. These seizures do not cause any long term problems. Children with these seizures are otherwise normal however, they're a trouble in learning and concentrating in academics and school generally. Furthemore, complications of Social isolation or behavioral problems are common. This is why prompt treatment is important. 

A child may have absence seizures repeatedly for years before being headed to a doctor for medications. The child may have "staring spells" without thinking of them as a medical problem. This however affect child's ability to perform in academics. An EEG is a test most often used to diagnose these seizures, followed by anti-seizure medicines. Child requires proper sleep, rest and diet, support in managing the stress of academics or social aspect of his life and exercising regularly. 

You and I, are in no position to diagnose anyone with these seizures, however having knowledge about problems a child in your class, home, or neighbour might have- will not only lessen his distress but also guidance in right direction for consultancy will also be fruitful. These absence seizures are mostly mistaken with daydreaming (note that a child from his day dreaming might come back any second if called upon, but a seizure cannot be interrupted). Several of my students in university asks for internship venues to have an exposure- Let me spoil it for you: You might not get to see atypical cases internship or you might get to see such a case right as your first case in a new job. Internships/Exposure does help you a lot only if you're equipped with knowledge enough and deep down inside a concern to help people out there.

For everybody out there, It's not your fault that the child has a problem. It's dawned upon you to go out, seek help and be out of stigma "Log kia kahenge". Many a times parents are afraid to speak about since people might say their only son or a daughter/Children are defected. What's pathetic is to make sure that a child gets disability by not given necessary help out of the fear "Log Kia Kahenge".

Seek help, Make environment favorable for your child's health and academics. 

[PS., Due to confidentiality i cannot reveal detailed aspects of the case. The primary purpose was to help spread awareness about "Absence Seizures". You may ask questions if any, in comments below]

#Metoo Movement: Socially Progressive Movement?

For those who have heard #Metoo for the first time or have no clue about it, #Metoo is basically a movement against sexual harassment and assault. It became viral in October 2017 globally as a hashtag (on social media) to help demonstrate the widespread prevalence of sexual harassment and assault at workplace. The purpose of the movement is to help people come up and confidently vocal about if they have ever been harassed or assaulted.

After Millions of people started using this hashtag, it was translated into dozens of languages, reached majority of countries and cultures and once again people started generating different meaning of #Metoo, sometimes different or sometimes opposite of what the movement already started over. Recently it had a wave in Pakistan especially when Misha Shafi spoke about Ali Zafar under the hashtag #Metoo.

Several people gave different opinions over every #Metoo expression. Some supported them for being confident enough to finally be able to speak about it where as there were people who went totally against the expression and some chose to remain neutral. I was asked occasionally about my opinion as a person, as a female and then as a psychologist. Recently, while submitting my research proposal to my professor for Domestic Violence, i read several theories which shed light on this perspective. Then finally, Saad my dear young friend made sure i express my opinion about it. I, in the following article is not taking anyone's side but rather putting up different paradigms to view about the movement holistically around the globe.

Why the #Metoo movement spread like a wildfire globally?

#Metoo is deeply rooted with an explosive expression to "Stop it" (It: harassment/assault). Any explosive material may it be a linguistic expression is not supposed to remain silent or can not be silenced. The movement encouraged and activated the suppressed voices of sexually harassed or assaulted. Every #Metoo kept on strengthening its own platform as "someone telling story of someone". The expression expressed everything which did not actually include everything for instance the details of what happened, what could not or should have happened, conclusively hiding the other side of the coin. 

It made #Metoo movement seems rather reckless, and seems not to go ahead till "me" become "we" and "too" become "twos" as #Wetwos- because wetwos gave the expression the intensity, making it evolving immensely. It took people like me in awe of its evolving power including its social aspect, existential aspect as well as political and ethical. Little bit of Sociology i studied and it took me back to feminism movement when it started. Shall we conclude #Metoo movement as progressive social movement or re-enabling the political abuse of power or unethical means of speaking, defending, attacking, counter attacking? There are people who are trying to stop the movement under the reason that its plainly irrational since it provides a room for simple bargaining or bullying their way out of problems.

And then my mind wanders over the question of its lasting duration and durability. The collectivism which is igniting every corner of the earth, how do we go about it? Supporting those who are expressive about their previously suppressed harassment or assault and contribute to the movement? And how to contribute to movement by being vocal ourself and stuffing words and words? Remember, when wave of terrorism hit us as aftermath of US-Afghan war how conscious we were and later on became so numb that if one part of the city has a suicide attack, the rest of the city goes about in its routine. What if stuffing words and words to this movement end up numbing us? What if this kind of contribution which is the only contribution i can see right now end up in putting fire out?

#Metoo as "Me" and "Too"?

The word "me" holds a one way perspective where it universally represents person in context and ignoring the environment. This structure of power which attempts to voice interpersonal injustice, intimate or impersonal, ranging from apparently debatable expression to simply shocking. Where as too in #Metoo is the affirmation supplementing a vocal position and associative identification. However, the question is rather simple why is it me and not I? If the movement targets which seems likely that it does target the self-awakening among the harassed and assaulted then where is the "I" that responds in them? The "I" of those who are genuine victims of abuse, rape and violence, where "Me" re-silence their nameless voices, which makes me wonder about this majority that still remain to chose silent actively or passively. Is it the duplicated minority which speaks in #Metoo as "me" and "I" demands an attention to such "darker" sides of another "me".

The Hollywood and The other Media Stars

When Ashley Judd, Jennifer Lawrence and now Misha Shafi (and the rest thousand others) spoke up, I had few questions myself. What accounts for sexual difference? what a sexual relationship is? what do two people do with one another behind closed doors? If for instance, Sigmund Freud is right that search for origins of these questions will end up in the middle of sexual research with nothing but grief then, answer to these questions is basically a ladder of grief, with more grief when it comes to sexual violation. Freud in his attempt to answer these questions concludes that every sexual violation which shock us, and in an attempt to know more about it: we give ourselves the space to have the answer on its own, in our own time, in our lives where we ourselves play with wishes and encounter our own selfishly pleasant desires. If we relate selfish pleasant desires of violation and power to this #Metoo movement, it haunts me to the fact that there might be people bullying the other in an attempt to escape their problems, abusing power of their own gender-commonality. 

The powerful figures of media may it be artists, singers, actors, actresses, news anchor, hosts etc who spoke under #Metoo movement lead me to another question of sexual violation. It is the media, It is the stage, it is the theatre itself where we get first exposure of the body, of sexual passion, and tell the tales of infatuation and love between men and women. This media becomes more alive, and gets even more rating with the intensity/frequency of the exposed/nudity, forces the response #Metoo, to something we had already joined ourselves to, unwittingly a long time ago. 

May it be morning shows, or a season or a hyped news, all we get is the powerful and painful irony that the media we have subjected to the greatest unveiling, whom we believe we deserve full access to with the crush and harassment or the curse and their taste for invasive rumor, gossip or scandal-Was he cheating on her? Is she raped? Is she pregnant? Are they getting back again? they're definitely not like us? or are they like us?--- This sends the painful reality back to us. This comes from the mouth of those anchor person, hosts or actor/actress who's job is to deceive us because ain't their job a drama? or ain't theatre a drama? The answer to the sexual violation isn't the answer, whatever answer we derive is about the failure of answer which made... Media industry the media industry.

Psychoanalysis (Sigmund Frued) focuses on a world of fantasy that acts as a supplement. The pervasiveness of failure to answer sexual violation highlighted by #Metoo movement as a psychic failure, at the root of anxiety that fuels the backlash that imagines this will be the ruin of men or relationships; the recent suicides of some known men like Robin Williams trends now towards gender segregation? Are not man in ruins too? revolution at what cost? if men are already in ruins, that is where we begin, we not as a me and metoo minus them?

Conclusion:

The movement is about the whole of the difficulties surrounding sex and sexual differences.  It is about the problems of power and power differentials when it comes to any relationship. It's about the dimension of life that invades sexuality and psychology about it and how it deforms, damages them beyond recognition. It is about the most primitive link that can be formed between bodies, voices, between people at differing levels of power and authority along with numerous categories of social identities, social injustices and social inequalities.

Thomas Edison: The Machiavellian Prince

Thomas Edison, you read the name and you know: "Inventor of the Bulb". We grew up reading that despite being deaf (one ear) he kept on working hard. In one version we were told deafness was an aftermath of a scarlet fever or mid-ear infection, in another it was an accident in a chemical laboratory. From being a self-educated person to being America's greatest inventor, we are told his aspiring stories so that we not only put in our efforts but also look beyond limitations without making any circumstance an excuse.

Thomas Edison on google search engine's first page.

Our elders heard the same, so did me and so will our children probably. However, growing up amongst engineers i often heard them talking about Tesla and his inventions and how it wasn't Edison's work in the first place. Later on, i came to a conclusion that whatever is it about Edison or Tesla is simply like a prevailed misconception people have about Freud. Just as people say Freud is a Father of Psychology similarly layman like us (US: NOT BEING ENGINEERS) keep on attributing Edison about some work which might have been of Tesla.
Note: Freud is a father of Psychoanalytic, where as William James is a Father of Psychology: No one's a Machiavellian as per my knowledge.

Who's a Machiavellian? What is Machiavellianism? (Most of you might be wondering how this word is pronounced, so new right?) Machiavellianism in psychology refers to a personality trait in which a person is so focused on their own interest that they'll manipulate, deceive or even exploit others. In simpler words it's an art of being deceptive to get ahead. Thomas Edison was a Machiavellian Prince? Yes, i felt so as i went on a mission to read about uncommon rivarly of Edison and Tesla.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Edison#List_of_people_who_worked_for_Edison

A young Serbian Scientist named Nikola Tesla was a brilliant inventor, however, his life of woe and tribulation started when he came to America in 1884, persuaded by Charles Batchelor (Plant Manager and personal friend of Thomas Edison). He came penniless to America but head full of ideas. However, a mistake he did was to commit to Edison's company who was then known as a thief of ideas than for inventing anything useful, by those who worked for him. In words of Edison himself: "Everybody steals in commerce and industry. I've stolen a lot myself. But I know how to steal."

When Tesla met Edison, he was hired right away. Tesla offered to redesign primitive Edison Dynamos completely. The kind of work he proposed seems to be a monumental task that could last years without paying off but Edison offered 50 thousand Dollars to him. Tesla worked 18 hours a day for his company where in a period of one year produced improved version of dynamo with automatic control. When finally time came to receive his well-deserved money, instead he was given a small raise with a reply from Edison: "Tesla, you don't understand our American Humor!"

Tesla's obsession was to create an alternating current system (AC) of electricity. Edison believed that workable system has to be based on Direct-Current (DC) system of electricity. Edison not only went against Tesla's research but later did all he could to sabotage him. When Serbian scientist Tesla was successful in creating an alternate current (AC) system, Edison went furious. He ruined Tesla's reputation by publicly declaring that AC system was unsafe to use. In order to prove, Edison captured all kind of household pets and electrocuted them to death with AC current. Later on in 1890 he convinced New York State Prison authorities to organize world's first execution by electrocution through an AC current. However, this turned out to be cruelest state authorized execution since the charge was too weak to kill human beings. Previously all electrocution had been done on small creatures only and hence the prisoners for execution was only half killed.

The AC system which Nikola Tesla designed is still the standard today-however after the patents were filed in his name (when he was working at Pittsburgh Magnate: George Westinghouse's electricity company), many other scientists came forward to claim for the invention stating that they had laid a groundwork for Tesla. His name was lost in the shuffle, and the public came to associate the AC system with Westinghouse company itself. Almost a year later, Westinghouse was caught in takeover bid from J. Pierpont Morgan who made him withdraw the generous royalty contract he had signed with Tesla for AC system. Hence, Westinghouse explained Tesla that his electricity company would not survive if they paid him his full royalties and instead persuaded him to accept a buyout of his patents for $216000 far less than the $12Million- patents were worth at that time. Thus, financiers deprived Tesla of his patents, his money as well the credit for the greatest invention of his career which is still the standard.

Nikola Tesla is also a real inventor of a Radio, instead Guglielmo Marconi is linked with the invention. Marconi made use of a patent Tesla had filed in 1887 and his work dependent on Tesla's Research. Once again Tesla received no money and no credit to his invention (and as an old man, he lived in poverty). Tesla believed that science had nothing to do with politics and rivalries that trouble the rest of the world. He also claimed not to care for fame and riches. But as the time passed, this belief ruined his scientific career since he couldn't attract any investor where as others stole patents he had already developed and got credit for themselves.

Edison was Tesla's exactly opposite. He knew in order to attract investors he ensured all the attention he could get for himself. Edison would simply talk about future inventions: robots taking over, machines that could capture thoughts-over which he actually had no intentions or brain to work over but that made the public talk about him. He did everything in order to ensure he received more attention than Tesla who was by far the greatest scientist with brilliant ideas, but his name was far less known. Edison was not much of a scientist or thinker. He was once caught saying: "I don't need to be a mathematician because I can always hire one". 

Edison was in fact a business and public man, hitting on the opportunities to take credit even if it takes him to steal. He would deceive young mind full of ideas to work for him on a good cost and eventually giving them little cost but taking credit on his name/company. He would manipulate public opinion and intimidate others. He did not let anyone know of products that were actually superior in every way to his own gain a foothold with American public, because for him Tesla was a rival in context of his own desire to become America's greatest inventor.

In 1917, Tesla was told that he was to receive the Edison Medal of the American Institute of Electrical Engineers. He refused by saying: "You propose to honor me with a medal which I could pin upon my coat and strut for a vain hour before the members of your Institute. you would decorate my body and continue to let starve, for failure to supply recognition, my mind and its creative products, which have supplied the foundation upon which the major portion of your Institute exists"
[Reference: The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene, page 58]

The Machiavellian Prince believed that this world runs on the laws of Jungle when it comes to Power. There are animals who lives by making an effort to hunt themselves and their young ones. Where as there're others who live their lives on hunting of others. Instead of making a move themselves, they understand that others are available to do the work and they can have their stomach fed. And once you have the impression of Hyenas or Vultures, you seems to have a Godlike strength and power in entire jungle, and Lion became merely a symbol to be the puppet-king only. Being fed on creativity of others, their creativity become Edison's and Edison a genius to this world as "America's Greatest Inventor."

In David Bowie's portrayal of Tesla in the movie "The Prestige", Tesla is widely known for his theories such as terrestrial stationary waves (in simpler words he theorized that our planet can potentially be utilized as a giant conductor). In the movie, Tesla was successful in illuminating 200 lamps without a single connecting wire from as far as 25 miles away. The story goes that Tesla is basically creating electrical storms in his labs because he dared to expand upon the limited world of Edison's experiments. However, Tesla's ideas remained locked in the pages of a notebook largely because Edison had funding and investors, and Tesla did not. As a result not only Edison's name survived but world faced a delay in technological advancements that could have changed the world decades earlier-Until Tesla's notebook was opened again.

I am a psychologist by profession and has naive information regarding physics and its dynamics. This article was an effort to know the truth about people who were portrayed as heroes, who's power of Machiavellian-ism persists long after their death. This Machiavellian-ism is widespread today in many many workplaces, and has been a recently studied phenomenon in light of Industrial/Organizational (I/O) Psychology. I'll conclude the article over the quote "The Blind Hen" by Fables Gotthold Lessing (1729-1781)

"A hen who has lost her sight, and was accustomed to scratching up the earth in search of food, although blind, still continued to scratch away most diligently. Of what use was it to the industrious fool? Another sharp-sighted hen who spread her tender feel never moved from her side, and enjoyed, without scratching, the fruit of the other's labor. For as often as the blind hen scratched up a barley corn, her watchful companion devoured it."

It's All In Your Head: The case of made-up illness?

It seems half of the art and literature serves a purpose to describe iconic states of human beings. Numerous people around us try to be vocal about their struggling self to which we simply label them as "It's all in your head", "Don't over think!", "Stop being Pessimistic." or "you're simply wanna be negative." Sufferers have difficulty in being vocal about their state. 

"He said: "it's all in your head," and i said "so is everything." But he didn't get it"

Virginia Woolf.

Where as it's also a strange poverty of the language we speak that the word "depressed" or 'depression" is used to describe how a person feel when he/she is mugged for their mobile phones and to describe how somebody feels the minute before they commit suicide. 

There are three things that people generally tends to confuse:

1. Depression
2. Grief
3. Sadness

Grief can be taken as being reactive explicitly. For instance, if you have a certain kind of loss in your life and you feel incredibly unhappy. And then 6 months later, you're still deeply sad but you're functioning a little better than before: It's probably grief which will ultimately resolve itself in sometime. But if you experience a catastrophic loss, and you feel terribly sad and 6 months later you can hardly function at all, then it's probably depression which was triggered by the loss you experienced 6 months ago. People think of depression as being just sadness. It's a lot, lot and a lot of sadness and much too much grief at far too slight a cause.

People suffering from depression found themselves doing a little of work, little to think and even little to feel. It's a kind of nullity they experience. And then at the sametime their anxiety settles in. They find themselves being afraid all the time without knowing what it is they are afraid of. One of the things that often get lost in discussions of depression is that they know whatever they're going through is ridiculous. They know its ridiculous while they experience it since they can see majority of the people managing themselves for work, for lunch or as simple as taking a shower and yet they're nonetheless in its grip, unable to figure out anyway around it. 

The opposite of Depression is not happiness, it was never happiness. According to Andrew Solomon, it's vitality. It's vitality that seems to sweep away from lives of people who suffered from Depression. As simple as answering back to friends, or to decide for lunch for which they'll go through to get food out, put in a plate, cut it off, chew it off and swallow it- seems so much of an effort. For them their own state makes it all such a pain that they begin to think that it's too painful to be alive. The only reason at times which stops them to kill themselves is not to hurt other people around. They'd lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking to answer the call but couldn't reach out their own arm in picking up the phone and answer. 

People are commonly heard of saying: "Isn't depression part of what people are supposed to experience?" Didn't we evolve to have depression? Isn't it part of your personality?" As a psychologist, in simple words where i can help you distinguish between clinical depression and mere sadness and grief is: "Mood is Adaptive". Being able to have sadness, fear, joy, pleasure and all the other moods that we have are incredibly valuable and vital. And clinical depression is something that happens when system breaks and collapses-It's maladaptive. 

People then argue: "Well, is it continuous with normal sadness?" In simpler words, I can say that yes, it's continuous with normal sadness. There's a certain amount of continuity in a same way there's continuity between having daily maintenance in your house when it requires a little touch up and what happens when you leave the house for 50 years under rain, sun, snow. It rusts through until it crumbles and simply becomes a pile of orange dust. Depression is that Orange dust which accumulates over time without taken care of, and that's the one we are setting out to address. The house now which is totally useless, useless for others and useless for its existence. I am sure, here i make my point of how utterly difficult this state is where person feels utterly useless, is paralyzed and is burdened up with mere labeling as "It's all in your head."

People then ask: "How will the psychologist make it better? medication works? does it make them happy?" There's no exact answer to it. But I for sure knows that when their depression is addressed they don't feel sad about having to answer friends, having lunch or taking a shower. Even if they feel sad (because hey, isn't sadness normal to feel?) without nullity. They can feel sad about just as you feel sad over breakups, professional disappointments, politics and ozone-layer changes in atmosphere. 

I have been to Psychological treatments facility and Rehabilitation and have interacted who managed or overcome their illness. I interviewed such people about how would they describe depression. The responses came to the mutual conclusion: "Slower way of being dead".  I hereby, confidently mention because it has to be recognized that slow way of being dead will actually lead to actual deadness. This is something serious because it's leading mental disability worldwide and people die of it everyday. According to World Health Organization, this disability is enormous and epidemic in nature.

Depression is a result of genetic vulnerability which it makes its distribution likely to be even among population. Circumstances which might trigger their depression are likely to be more severe for people who are impoverished in terms of finance as well as awareness. Finance has been a major concern for majority of the population in developing countries. But it makes it equal for those who have a better life because struggle the same because little or lack of knowledge to seek treatment. With a stigma attached, for instance of not referring to psychologist is one's defence of not being "pagal" yet. Even if  a person himself wants to feel better, loved ones would stop because deep down inside they can't accept the fact that matter can be this severe. 

Depression is exhausting. It takes up so much of their time and energy, and silence about it, really does make the depression worse. I almost regularly come across such people and I therefore, easily concludes that depression is a family secret: unheard, unspoken, unexpressed. As soon as people open up you find out one in family is definitely suffering, someone's sister, someone's cousin, aunt, uncle and list is endless. Solomon Andrew wrote about his conference once he attended. On first day of a conference, a lady came up to him telling about her depression, medication and how she hasn't told her husband about it because she thought he wouldn't understand. On the third day of the conference, husband of the same lady came up to him about his depression, medication and how he hasn't told his wife because he thought she wouldn't understand. They both were hiding their medication in different places in the same bedroom. 

People under treatment of depression take medication as well as therapies. In simpler words, chemical cure as well as psychological cure both have a role to play. Depression at times is braided so deep into them that there's no way separating it from their characteristics and personality. They become better and then sometimes relapse and become better and relapse and then better. This process is different for everybody. However, their will to be better is something which makes it all so optimistic. Let's for a moment think of a cancer. Cancer leads us directly to chemotherapy and radiation and surgery and what not of a toughest medical procedure? Yet it doesn't ensure a complete cure. People goes into remission then relapse then remission then relapse and so on. People suffering from such illness still had buried in them, somewhere enough optimism to reach out for one more attempt of being better. All the difference is that there's hardly any stigma attached to get a cure for cancer, but for depression the world shut its doors to simply "Stop being pessimistic!"

Having depression is not something to be positive about. It paralyzes, makes one non-functional as well as useless. However, the optimism to fight it and the resilience to keep going is what makes it different. I have been dealing with Adolescents especially for past 2 years, and they gives me an insight. Their Disturbed Self forced them to seek out for help, to find and cling to joy, to cleave to the reasons for living and life's something worth living for. And really life is something worth living for and there's absolutely no harm in seeking out help. 

My dearest friend chef shamsher has taken an initiative at his vlog for mental health awareness under the segment "Sakht Baatain". Check out the following link where Oroba Tasnim Siddiqi talks about her own experience of suffering from it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lydqCOG6ilI

"What are the counts?" Cancer was hardly ever mentioned, Death never.

"What are the counts?"

Before she got sick all this was alien to me, but after first week or so I spoke this new language like a native. After I understood the meaning of Blood Counts, I would wait for the results as all Leukaemics do-with of course, a fast beating heart. Those waiting phases felt like they might never end.

In retrospect, I am astonished at how little once I knew (and of course forgotten after Olevel's) about the blood and the function of the Bone Marrow. A tiny drop of blood at the end of your finger can show quickly how energetic you are, how you would bleed if badly cut, what defenses you have against infection and all sorts of other things. 

Let me sum up in easiest way possible. Hemoglobin in your blood supplies energy. If you have high Hemoglobin count you're in a mountain climbing mood. Where as an inability to think or strong desire to doze off sums up how the person with low Hemoglobin count would feel. When person's Red Blood Cells goes below 6, he's in a danger of Congestive Heart Failure. To supply sufficient energy-giving hemoglobin to lungs and the rest of the body, the heart has to work overtime. And under sufficient stress just gives up, like a furnace that explodes or simply goes out when it can't meet the demands placed on it.

A cheerful nurse with hair bun would come around 6 in morning and defly jab a little needle into her hand. Next she would squeeze the blood into thin plastic tube to the glass tube. About half hour later, after the blood sample have been analyzed, the patient would be told the counts. If the counts are good, patient would feel bucked up for the day. A doctor doesn't like to transfuse blood anymore than necessary, though. The greater risk was the infection patient might get because of their defenseless state. Temperature just above 100 means an attachment of another antibiotics. 

All this time she managed to continue with her habit of reciting and listening Quran. She kept it in phone which is within easy reach at all times. Nurses, Doctors and everybody else would say: "Amazing how she's coping up" while some said: "God tests His best slaves.. Remember Prophet Younus? Prophet Ayyub?" and some said "Remission of Sins". I completed the rest, "Remission of Sins, Resurrection of the Dead and Life everlasting". The prayers for her and faith that she'll be cured, is of course on my fingertips.

Taking care of Leukaemics is a lot of work. Patients have needles in their arms a good deal of time, and the needles are always getting clogged or coming unstuck. Transfusions, CBC tests, Chemotheraphy, Hematologists...Moreover, some attendants remarked "This place is so depressing". So it is, The patients felt most of the time too horrible, tbh. But they too made an effort, at least at concealing despair.  Cancer was hardly ever mentioned, Death Never.

It was Doctors who decided when her counts are okay to let her home and what she could do when she got there. She was dependent. Knowing how I resented her state, emotional sustenance she gave me was always unspoken. In time, I got used to it and amazed to see her optimism. After all she always helped me adjust my crown, like a Queen. 

The other sick people around spent most of their time watching TV because that's the most was allowed. Passing each other occasionally in corridors, trundling over their IV/Drip stands, they would nod and smile. However, TV with her was mostly "sighing over commercials" and commenting on morning shows which made it a little bit interesting. Moreover, I spent my free time (when she was asleep) reading nothing profound. However, to scribble and to rant, Nothing came out except few defensive statements: "We will fight amongst platelets, We will fight in the Bone Marrow, We will fight in the peripheral blood. We will never surrender"

After her first chemotherapy cycle, I felt she lived on 2-levels. One level concerned what was going on in her mind? The other what was going on in her bone marrow and blood. The second was a lot mysterious than the first one. It's a curious feeling to have the inside of your bones a battle-field. 

Once i caught up a conversation with a Doctor (Long Distance Doctor Friend actually) about cancer in general. I asked for the best guess about what would happen to her or others. He said, "We can only wait for the nature of the disease to declare itself." He paused thoughtfully, "I don't want to mislead you but whatever she has will go away. Spontaneous remission is a possibility. Chemotherapy induces a remission"

On other occasion i asked: "Is it certain to have a relapse? The bad (blast cells) comes back?" "Almost certainly or may not," came the reply. "Why? Why do they come back?" "If we knew that, we'd know what caused them to proliferate in the first place. We'd be on the track of cure. Whoever answers your question wins the Nobel Prize." was the response. 

Children whom i saw fighting the same disease... there is something very hard to talk about the small childish faces, often topped with wigs.. and the wailing that was almost always going on, would echo  from one room to another when they were being given chemotherapy or transfusions. AND YET THIS I FOUND GENUINE AREA OF HOPE.

Mathematical figures are always boring for me, but not these figures and counts. Recently, they had a lovely lyrical meaning. Stability in blood counts meant that something strange and wonderful was happening to her blood. Perhaps in a short time we now faced life. No one i suspect, who has not experienced this sort of reprieve can wholly imagine what it is like. It induces, for a while at last, a special Euphoria which no chemical can emulate and in which colors are brighter and life purposeful. Its as if everything from medication to care to support to prayers and faith have induced this stability before her next cycle of tests or chemotherapy. 

These are the times when you feel no amount of gratitude can ever be enough for what Allah has blessed us with: loved ones standing like a strong pillar not with just her but us, donors who came by just on a short notice of call, and everybody from relatives to friends to teachers praying for her.

It's a universally accepted fact that whatever happens in our life, happens for a reason. However sometimes It's not easy to talk or write about while all you want are the answers to all the "Whys?". But For everybody out there fighting battles in anyway, Don't give up hope just yet. Sometimes it's all you've got. The true sunrise is still hidden somewhere beyond your midnight skies. Breathe and Remember, This too shall pass. 

One of the nicest gesture by Mr Salman Naseer.
Thank You Everyone who stood by our side in toughest of times.  

Dealing with misconduct: A case for filling the emotional tanks

On a daily basis, several teachers come to me to complain about students with conduct and behavior issues in the classroom. In fact, rather than being an anomaly, misconduct has become a norm. Now, why does a student misbehave? 
The student could be hungry, tired or sleepy. Perhaps the student is dealing with a surge of teenage hormones or it may be that something happened at home before coming to the school. However a fundamental question to ask here is:

Does that particular student feel deeply loved?

Students long to know that they are loved unconditionally. whether they are good at academics or not, whether they win in sports or not, they need to know that they are accepted the way they are and are valued. This is because there's an empty space inside every human being- a kind of an emotional tank, metaphorically speaking-always wanting to be filled with love.

Students' misbehavior and misconducted are often a gauge indicating the extent to which their emotional tank is filled. When a student shows a tendency to throw a tantrum, disturb the class or hurt other children, chances are that the level of love in their emotional tank is low. The tank needs to be filled. This is especially true for teenage students. Antisocial and rebellious behavior frequently stems from adolescent egocentric thinking: 

"No one understands me. No one loves me."

As teachers, we may be horrified at the idea of students not being loved because, of course, everybody loves their students-we are in no way their enemies. Indeed, sometimes our thoughts are fully occupied by care for our students only. Teachers try to make sacrifice for the students and to come up with many strategies to help them grow. Yet, we are often unsuccessful in our endeavors. One possible reasons for this is that we are at times unaware as to how to deal with students in a way that makes them feel deeply loved in a classroom. We might think we have the love for them and they will automatically know it. But our children not only need to be loved; they also need to be able to feel that they are loved. 

Calvin and Hobbes. 

How do we fill their emotional tanks?

Here are five tried and tested ways to do so:

1. Speak: Our words have the potential to express love powerfully. Praise like: "Well done kid!", "I know you can do it" and "Keep it up, love" can be really effective. Sometimes simply a small thing such as complimenting the neat hair of a student makes them feel loved. 

2. Spend time: When we set aside some of our time to be with another person, we show them that they matter. When we focus our attention exclusively to them, when we do something together with them, listen to what they are saying or watch what they are doing, we communicate that they are special to us.

3. Touch: It could be just a light tap on the back. Physical affection demonstrates that we enjoy being close to that person. Touch has a power to communicate our intentions to welcome, support, care for, console and provide security-all at once with just a simple gesture. 

4. Give Presents: A present is tangible, visual symbol of our love. It shows the recipient that we were thinking of them when we chose the present and it will remind them of our love each time they look at it or use it. Don't worry, Teachers! You don't need to spend ALOT on presents. If you're having a candy yourself, give one to your student too. A simple rubber-pencil set can also go a long way! 

5. Act: When we do something for another person, when we show kindness to them, we demonstrate our love in practice. We can make people feel much loved through meeting their need with kind actions.

Typically, each one of us shows love in the way we most like to receive it. We may give a lot of hugs because physical affection is more important for us to feel loved. We might be an expert present giver because receiving gifts means a lot to us. Isn't it such a piece of cake to become an expert in showing love the way we like to receive it? But remember, every child is different, and not necessarily like our own selves.

You have to reach out to every student in your classroom, especially those who are struggling with academic and behavior issues. Knowing which of the five ways of expressing love is the most significant for each student is hard. Yet, students see through their teachers' effort to "reach out to them" and appreciate that. It is not advisable, however, to express love as a cover-up for letting your students down. For example, giving physical affection and still being loud and short-tempered during class will not work. 

As with everything in life, we learn most about loving through observing and imitating. Some of us might recall never having received love from our own teachers in the ways discussed above. In such a case, it might feel unnatural to show love for our students in these ways. However, the good news is that with regular effort and practice, these love-expressing ways start coming naturally to us, enabling us to fill the emotional tanks of our students with genuineness. 

So, if you have not yet shown your students the love that you have for them, don't worry and make a start. And while you attempt to do so, remember what Dr Gary Chapman once said:

"When children feel genuinely loved, their whole world looks brighter. Their inner spirit is more secure and they are far more likely to reach their potential for good in the world."

The Article was published in Proseed Educational Magazine: https://proseedmag.com/2018/02/dealing-misconduct-case-filling-emotional-tanks/