Dealing with misconduct: A case for filling the emotional tanks

On a daily basis, several teachers come to me to complain about students with conduct and behavior issues in the classroom. In fact, rather than being an anomaly, misconduct has become a norm. Now, why does a student misbehave? 
The student could be hungry, tired or sleepy. Perhaps the student is dealing with a surge of teenage hormones or it may be that something happened at home before coming to the school. However a fundamental question to ask here is:

Does that particular student feel deeply loved?

Students long to know that they are loved unconditionally. whether they are good at academics or not, whether they win in sports or not, they need to know that they are accepted the way they are and are valued. This is because there's an empty space inside every human being- a kind of an emotional tank, metaphorically speaking-always wanting to be filled with love.

Students' misbehavior and misconducted are often a gauge indicating the extent to which their emotional tank is filled. When a student shows a tendency to throw a tantrum, disturb the class or hurt other children, chances are that the level of love in their emotional tank is low. The tank needs to be filled. This is especially true for teenage students. Antisocial and rebellious behavior frequently stems from adolescent egocentric thinking: 

"No one understands me. No one loves me."

As teachers, we may be horrified at the idea of students not being loved because, of course, everybody loves their students-we are in no way their enemies. Indeed, sometimes our thoughts are fully occupied by care for our students only. Teachers try to make sacrifice for the students and to come up with many strategies to help them grow. Yet, we are often unsuccessful in our endeavors. One possible reasons for this is that we are at times unaware as to how to deal with students in a way that makes them feel deeply loved in a classroom. We might think we have the love for them and they will automatically know it. But our children not only need to be loved; they also need to be able to feel that they are loved. 

Calvin and Hobbes. 

How do we fill their emotional tanks?

Here are five tried and tested ways to do so:

1. Speak: Our words have the potential to express love powerfully. Praise like: "Well done kid!", "I know you can do it" and "Keep it up, love" can be really effective. Sometimes simply a small thing such as complimenting the neat hair of a student makes them feel loved. 

2. Spend time: When we set aside some of our time to be with another person, we show them that they matter. When we focus our attention exclusively to them, when we do something together with them, listen to what they are saying or watch what they are doing, we communicate that they are special to us.

3. Touch: It could be just a light tap on the back. Physical affection demonstrates that we enjoy being close to that person. Touch has a power to communicate our intentions to welcome, support, care for, console and provide security-all at once with just a simple gesture. 

4. Give Presents: A present is tangible, visual symbol of our love. It shows the recipient that we were thinking of them when we chose the present and it will remind them of our love each time they look at it or use it. Don't worry, Teachers! You don't need to spend ALOT on presents. If you're having a candy yourself, give one to your student too. A simple rubber-pencil set can also go a long way! 

5. Act: When we do something for another person, when we show kindness to them, we demonstrate our love in practice. We can make people feel much loved through meeting their need with kind actions.

Typically, each one of us shows love in the way we most like to receive it. We may give a lot of hugs because physical affection is more important for us to feel loved. We might be an expert present giver because receiving gifts means a lot to us. Isn't it such a piece of cake to become an expert in showing love the way we like to receive it? But remember, every child is different, and not necessarily like our own selves.

You have to reach out to every student in your classroom, especially those who are struggling with academic and behavior issues. Knowing which of the five ways of expressing love is the most significant for each student is hard. Yet, students see through their teachers' effort to "reach out to them" and appreciate that. It is not advisable, however, to express love as a cover-up for letting your students down. For example, giving physical affection and still being loud and short-tempered during class will not work. 

As with everything in life, we learn most about loving through observing and imitating. Some of us might recall never having received love from our own teachers in the ways discussed above. In such a case, it might feel unnatural to show love for our students in these ways. However, the good news is that with regular effort and practice, these love-expressing ways start coming naturally to us, enabling us to fill the emotional tanks of our students with genuineness. 

So, if you have not yet shown your students the love that you have for them, don't worry and make a start. And while you attempt to do so, remember what Dr Gary Chapman once said:

"When children feel genuinely loved, their whole world looks brighter. Their inner spirit is more secure and they are far more likely to reach their potential for good in the world."

The Article was published in Proseed Educational Magazine: https://proseedmag.com/2018/02/dealing-misconduct-case-filling-emotional-tanks/