"What are the counts?" Cancer was hardly ever mentioned, Death never.

"What are the counts?"

Before she got sick all this was alien to me, but after first week or so I spoke this new language like a native. After I understood the meaning of Blood Counts, I would wait for the results as all Leukaemics do-with of course, a fast beating heart. Those waiting phases felt like they might never end.

In retrospect, I am astonished at how little once I knew (and of course forgotten after Olevel's) about the blood and the function of the Bone Marrow. A tiny drop of blood at the end of your finger can show quickly how energetic you are, how you would bleed if badly cut, what defenses you have against infection and all sorts of other things. 

Let me sum up in easiest way possible. Hemoglobin in your blood supplies energy. If you have high Hemoglobin count you're in a mountain climbing mood. Where as an inability to think or strong desire to doze off sums up how the person with low Hemoglobin count would feel. When person's Red Blood Cells goes below 6, he's in a danger of Congestive Heart Failure. To supply sufficient energy-giving hemoglobin to lungs and the rest of the body, the heart has to work overtime. And under sufficient stress just gives up, like a furnace that explodes or simply goes out when it can't meet the demands placed on it.

A cheerful nurse with hair bun would come around 6 in morning and defly jab a little needle into her hand. Next she would squeeze the blood into thin plastic tube to the glass tube. About half hour later, after the blood sample have been analyzed, the patient would be told the counts. If the counts are good, patient would feel bucked up for the day. A doctor doesn't like to transfuse blood anymore than necessary, though. The greater risk was the infection patient might get because of their defenseless state. Temperature just above 100 means an attachment of another antibiotics. 

All this time she managed to continue with her habit of reciting and listening Quran. She kept it in phone which is within easy reach at all times. Nurses, Doctors and everybody else would say: "Amazing how she's coping up" while some said: "God tests His best slaves.. Remember Prophet Younus? Prophet Ayyub?" and some said "Remission of Sins". I completed the rest, "Remission of Sins, Resurrection of the Dead and Life everlasting". The prayers for her and faith that she'll be cured, is of course on my fingertips.

Taking care of Leukaemics is a lot of work. Patients have needles in their arms a good deal of time, and the needles are always getting clogged or coming unstuck. Transfusions, CBC tests, Chemotheraphy, Hematologists...Moreover, some attendants remarked "This place is so depressing". So it is, The patients felt most of the time too horrible, tbh. But they too made an effort, at least at concealing despair.  Cancer was hardly ever mentioned, Death Never.

It was Doctors who decided when her counts are okay to let her home and what she could do when she got there. She was dependent. Knowing how I resented her state, emotional sustenance she gave me was always unspoken. In time, I got used to it and amazed to see her optimism. After all she always helped me adjust my crown, like a Queen. 

The other sick people around spent most of their time watching TV because that's the most was allowed. Passing each other occasionally in corridors, trundling over their IV/Drip stands, they would nod and smile. However, TV with her was mostly "sighing over commercials" and commenting on morning shows which made it a little bit interesting. Moreover, I spent my free time (when she was asleep) reading nothing profound. However, to scribble and to rant, Nothing came out except few defensive statements: "We will fight amongst platelets, We will fight in the Bone Marrow, We will fight in the peripheral blood. We will never surrender"

After her first chemotherapy cycle, I felt she lived on 2-levels. One level concerned what was going on in her mind? The other what was going on in her bone marrow and blood. The second was a lot mysterious than the first one. It's a curious feeling to have the inside of your bones a battle-field. 

Once i caught up a conversation with a Doctor (Long Distance Doctor Friend actually) about cancer in general. I asked for the best guess about what would happen to her or others. He said, "We can only wait for the nature of the disease to declare itself." He paused thoughtfully, "I don't want to mislead you but whatever she has will go away. Spontaneous remission is a possibility. Chemotherapy induces a remission"

On other occasion i asked: "Is it certain to have a relapse? The bad (blast cells) comes back?" "Almost certainly or may not," came the reply. "Why? Why do they come back?" "If we knew that, we'd know what caused them to proliferate in the first place. We'd be on the track of cure. Whoever answers your question wins the Nobel Prize." was the response. 

Children whom i saw fighting the same disease... there is something very hard to talk about the small childish faces, often topped with wigs.. and the wailing that was almost always going on, would echo  from one room to another when they were being given chemotherapy or transfusions. AND YET THIS I FOUND GENUINE AREA OF HOPE.

Mathematical figures are always boring for me, but not these figures and counts. Recently, they had a lovely lyrical meaning. Stability in blood counts meant that something strange and wonderful was happening to her blood. Perhaps in a short time we now faced life. No one i suspect, who has not experienced this sort of reprieve can wholly imagine what it is like. It induces, for a while at last, a special Euphoria which no chemical can emulate and in which colors are brighter and life purposeful. Its as if everything from medication to care to support to prayers and faith have induced this stability before her next cycle of tests or chemotherapy. 

These are the times when you feel no amount of gratitude can ever be enough for what Allah has blessed us with: loved ones standing like a strong pillar not with just her but us, donors who came by just on a short notice of call, and everybody from relatives to friends to teachers praying for her.

It's a universally accepted fact that whatever happens in our life, happens for a reason. However sometimes It's not easy to talk or write about while all you want are the answers to all the "Whys?". But For everybody out there fighting battles in anyway, Don't give up hope just yet. Sometimes it's all you've got. The true sunrise is still hidden somewhere beyond your midnight skies. Breathe and Remember, This too shall pass. 

One of the nicest gesture by Mr Salman Naseer.
Thank You Everyone who stood by our side in toughest of times.